


Trouble is

by idratherhaveyoucursedornot



Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:26:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27104935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idratherhaveyoucursedornot/pseuds/idratherhaveyoucursedornot
Summary: All the trouble that is going on in Kieran's mind post ep 43Basically a confessional letter of sorts... Kinda...Characters and vision belonging toSophismandEphemerys. Castles from theiroriginal workmade into air by yours truly.
Relationships: Lauren Sinclair & Kieran White, Lauren Sinclair/Kieran White
Comments: 4
Kudos: 57





	Trouble is

**Author's Note:**

> Song: Trouble Is by All Time Low

Isn't it funny? The simplest of lies we tell because the truth is hardly ever forgiving. Mending little bridges and creating greater ridges with the simplest of white lies.

I didn't deny a single thing, did I? Yet, my actions betrayed me. My nonchalance, my honesty, my humor. If you looked closely, you would know that the words I utter so full of all the things I could only hope to achieve were as devoid of life as I have been. The only thing letting me stay alive and stay sane being my vengeance. I offered you tea to lighten the atmosphere. God knows, if he exists, that you were mad enough, and I was well aware that my betrayal wasn't something we could discuss over tea. I offered you tea anyway, being all aflutter at your interest in my late night rendezvouses.

I didn't deny when you asked if it was all a joke to me. You had already made up your mind of the answer. Do you think what I said at that moment would have made a difference? I don't. So, I didn't. I knew that your first instinct would be to shoot me dead. Even then, I couldn't bring myself to hide. I never hid from you. I never took cover, and I did not outright lie, because even if I wouldn't admit it, I knew that I deserved that bullet in my head. I always have deserved your retribution because I did all those things to deserve it.

You called me heartless. It hurt more because you are one of the people who know that I do have a heart. Seven years of having choice ripped from me, seven years of being forced to do their bidding, seven years of getting into their ranks only to rip them apart in the name of sweet revenge, seven years of having accepted that I will **have** to become a monster in order to take out the biggest monster behind all of this, seven years of agonizing nights and about just as many tainted pages to keep on keeping on and being able to see the warmth of humanity, seven years of failed attempts, and **finally** you came along, being the first person ever to get through to me, giving me a moment where I felt human again.

_For the very first time, in a very long while, I started to believe that maybe, just maybe, my quest for vengeance hasn't left me hollow. It made me feel human again. **You** made me feel human again. _

You never really said that you get it. The pure disdain on your face at my nonchalance was enough proof. But I knew if I had been sorrowful you would have tried to understand. Did you ever stop to think that if I begin to rationalize the things I do, I would never survive the pain ? How could I stand there and mourn my actions when I know that they will drown me like waves in a sea storm, relentless, unforgiving and fatal? How would I continue to live with myself? Did you ever think about that in your vision of black and white, Officer?

You looked at me as if I was a monster, long before you called me one. That was the only thing going through you mind, wasn't it? Only a monster could do what I had done. Only a monster could hurt you the way that I did. Only a monster could turn all your righteous rage into something insipid and put the blame back onto you. Only a monster could call you a hypocrite while he himself walks around breaking oaths and ending calm. Only a monster could blame you for the dead while three feet deep into digging graves. Only a monster could do that. I **know** that. I **am** that.

I laughed. I laughed but it was hollow and you knew that too. You've seen the human in me. You've seen him laugh and that's why it didn't just hurt you. It hurt me too. If you heard closely, if I let you hear me without any distraction you would have heard the regret in my white lies. Bowed down a little more when you stayed the night and you could have tasted how bitter all my nightmares have become, poisoning me with each passing night. If I had stayed longer with my eyes closed, that night, you wouldn't have had to wonder about my remorse. You would know it in my screams at two clicks past midnight. If today I had let you stay long enough to see, you would have known that I never sleep because when I do, all I see are faces staring back at me, belonging to those that I have wronged. Instead, I did what I know all too well. I affirmed your belief that all I am is a **monster** , and all I can bring is destruction.

I never really told you to leave. The request was there regardless, in my shouting at the top of my lungs. How I hurt you, how I didn't tell a single lie, just to convince you of my wrongs, just to make you hate me more. If you had looked closely, you would have seen right through the deception and half truths. The moment you confronted me, I should have expected no less than righteous fury. Maybe the look of betrayal wouldn't have hurt as bad if I could believe that **I had to** do that. If only I could believe that **I had to** betray you, that **I had to** go behind your back and hide my plans from you. None of what you said was wrong, and I knew it. So, it was easy to go along with the flow you brought on. It was easy to face those lies when even I believe them to be true.

I only lied when I said that I have always been like this. I only let go because you knew it too. You knew that it was a lie. The moment you left, I was half agony, half relief. Pulled you in because you made me feel human. Pushed you away because I'll never not be a monster. There was a time where I wasn't a monster. I could tell you about that time, but all that it would bring is pain. Monsters don't feel. They don't think, nor do they regret. I did regret. Nightmares stale in my mind, and with open eyes all I could see was the blood on my hands, even if I ignored you when you said the same thing. All I could see was your blood spilled on my hands. Not a memory but a prophecy. How could I let you stay then?

How could I let you sacrifice yourself? How could I let you understand my calamity? How could I let you turn to grey for a monster like me?

**You don't deserve to have to guide me to my absolution.**

** I don't want you to guide me to humanity either. **

~K.W.

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo, Peace here!!! It's my first time posting on AO3 because I always find myself unable to mess with canon, so here goes a look into Kieran's mind post ep 43 cause I can't get this amazingly done morally grey characters out of my head <3 
> 
> Do check out Purple Hyacinth on Webtoon!!!!  
> By [Sophism](https://www.instagram.com/deadsophism/?hl=en) and [Ephemerys](https://www.instagram.com/ephemerys_ph/?hl=en)
> 
> Btw in case you find it on WordPress that's me too lol
> 
> Comments and kudos fuel the fire of my writing forges ;)


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